LONDON

A NEW PAPER, written by a mystic think tank, says that all the augurs indicate that Britain will achieve greatness again, and that it will do so at a precise time, on a singular date: June 6, 2030 at 3.30 pm.

“The omens are very accurate on this one,” says Alfred Pendragon, of the Mystic Fantasy Institute, a research corporation dedicated to the resurrection of dead empires. “If the planets align, and the internal organs of various animals are of the right texture, and if the correct number of people pronounce the required incantations, by 3.31 pm on the date in question, Britain will be back where it was on June 28, 1914. Before it all began to go south for the country. Brexit will begin to show results, the empire will return by request, the pound will once again be the reserve currency of the whole world, and the England soccer team will lift another World Cup. As we say at the MFI, why go forward when you can go back.”