BELGRADE, THURSDAY

RECENT FIGURES FROM the European Union reveal a disturbing trend as regards tourist numbers coming across the Atlantic from the United States: the Yanks are not coming, at least not in the numbers they used to, and the reason seems to be the threat of being refused re-entry to America upon their return.

“Many inhabitants, while perfectly legal residents of the USA, are there on visa programs, and the Trump Administration’s rather cavalier attitude to these kinds of residents – ie, throwing some of them out for things like pissing in public – has, how you say – scared the shit out of many of them,” says Napoleon Monnet of Zut Alors! a tourism consultancy based in Paris. “This has – how you say – seeped, yes, seeped, into the citizenry as a whole. Illegals will not even take the subway anymore, let alone take the risk of going home. They just want to avoid scrutiny at all costs, and don’t even go out at night any longer. Night life has consequently suffered across the fifty states. All we are left with for Europe is the MAGA Morons, as we call them, the people who behave badly at golf competitions and wear US flag tattoos on their willies. And they don’t travel anyway, thank God!”