BELGRADE, THURSDAY

A GROWING NUMBER of people around the western world are calling for a public apology to other species of human with which Homo Sapiens might have interbred without gaining the other party’s fully-informed consent.

“We’re obviously talking Neanderthals here, as the DNA evidence is pretty much settled,” says Ursula Skreech of the pressure group, Wimmin, who adds that the vast majority of victims were clearly female. “Not that we want to fix gender, but it’s obvious as day that this is the first great victimization of women. Maybe the odd Neanderthal woman had her revenge but this, as usual, is 99.9% a male thing. Yes, Neanderthals, then Denisovans and, of course, all the other humanoids and goblins that roamed the world with our species. This was an horrific crime, possibly genocide given all these groups were eventually wiped out as separate species. Voices across the globe – well, in San Francisco, Portland, Los Angeles, and New England anyway, are crying out for a day of memory and a profound apology, and of course compensation. And as modern women are the only possible direct descendants of the victims, we believe that they should be the recipients of any such compensation.”