LONDON

THE BRITISH MILITARY is planning to make all personnel wear lipstick as part of its diversity and equality drive.

“In order to make our gender fluid troops feel included, the requirement for lipstick will be a court martial issue should it be ignored,” said a wing commander in the RAF. “My chaps and chapesses, and whatever else, are already sharing jock straps, bras and split crotch panties. Our fast jet pilots are going to have to wear a very solid lipstick as they have to wear oxygen masks. The Parachute Regiment is determined to comply with the requirement but arguments have arisen over what the colour will be. And whether the troops should wear complimenting rouge.”