CANBERRA

A TOP SECRET report, leaked to the Kookaburra Bugle, says that all that is keeping the Australian economy from sinking into recession are unsolicited phone calls from solar panel companies to distressed Aussies who have no interest in a purchase.

“Most people who have installed solar panels know the real story with these things,” says Stu Rachetup, who has moved from solar panels to batteries. “The Government’s plan to have everyone living off the Sun in a while makes the solar panel business like taking candy from a baby – or an old widow. We’re already in batteries as that’s the new growth market, the panels having failed to deliver as promised for folks.”

The report, entitled Don’t Hang Up, says that the unsolicited phone call market is colossal and growing faster than any other sector – non-government anyway – in the Australian economy. It states: “If it were not for solar panel salesmen the whole economy might just tank.” It advises the Australian Federal Government to keep up the pressure on Aussies to put expensive solar panels on their roofs. It warns that reality might force the economy into a death spiral: “The ridiculous prices given for solar electricity generation make the initial investment look uncomfortably unsound. But without the sales calls the alternative is not worth consideration.”