MOSCOW

DONALD TRUMP’S DRAFT plan for peace in Ukraine is being described by western commentators as a humiliating surrender by Russia, as it only gives the Kremlin a mere 20% of Ukraine.

“This is a terrific victory for Ukraine, and NATO,” says Brigadier General Humpy Fotherington-Slash, a former NATO planner, now turned armchair commander and conflict pundit. “Zelenskyy must be overjoyed. The madman, Putin, will not be long for this life, if he accepts this. And NATO will have achieved its aims. Whatever they were. Remember, Ukraine is a big country, it won’t miss 20% of its territory. What was it anyway, some flat farmland, shitty industry and some dubious mines? And a lot of disgruntled Russians. Who wants that? No, our side has played a sticky wicket and prevailed. Russia is utterly humbled. Let them bring their spy ships into British waters and see us hit them for six. We’ll give them the Donbass treatment.”