FIVEMILETOWN, CO TYRONE

SUPPORTERS OF RUSSIAN hardman Vladimir Putin have made it clear that if Belfast and Fivemiletown, Co Tyrone, wish to be removed from his nuclear target list, they should depart the United Kingdom and join their neutral neighbours in the Republic of Ireland.

“That’s the price you pay for making uniforms for the British Army in County Tyrone,” said a Russian official. “Belfast is on the list because of Harland & Wolff and its defence industries. Fivemiletown gets the same treatment.”

When asked why Belfast was not a target due to the MI5 HQ based near the city, he official winked and replied: “We don’t burn our own!”