BELGRADE, THURSDAY

RUSSIAN DIPLOMATS COULD hardly speak, they were laughing so hard when confronted by Democratic Unionist Party leader Gavin Robinson’s statement that the reason Belfast and Fivemiletown (yes, Fivemiletown) in Tyrone, were on Russia’s UK target list was that they were protected by the strong shield of Britain’s military capability.

“He is – how do you put it? – not the sharpest knife in the drawer, maybe,” said one official based in Dublin. “Let me put it simply, so that even a cretin can understand: we will not nuke the Republic of Ireland, and we will only nuke Northern Ireland because it is part of the United Kingdom. If it left the United Kingdom, then we would not nuke it. Is that clear? So – and Mr Gavin, please listen very carefully – you are on our target list because you are part of the United Kingdom, if not completely. If you were not part of the United Kingdom, then you would not be on our target list. It is not a badge of honour to be on our target list. It is not a sign of strength. There is no shield. Nuclear weapons do not respect strength or shields. They don’t care. Because there will be no one around afterwards to give a shit. Sorry, I really have to laugh again.”

His colleagues laughed too. And then they all cried.