WIMBLEDON, ENGLAND

A FEMINIST PRESSURE group has insisted that in the next tennis battle of the sexes match, several extra “patriarchal equalizers” be placed upon the male player, to negative the “gender oppression” inherent in his presence.

Grunting, a sporting think tank, says the last match between Australia’s Nick Kyrgios, ranked 671 in the world in men’s tennis, and Aryna Sabalenka, the women’s world Number One, which resulted in the former’s victory 6-3 6-3, was quite obviously prejudiced against the Belarusian woman, because Kyrgios was playing with his good arm, stood on two legs and could return the women’s champion’s serves, even if no second serves were allowed and her end of the court was 9% smaller than his.

“This is the kind of patriarchal oppression that has people asking what these games are there to achieve, other than trying to show that men are monstrously better at tennis than women,” insisted a Grunting spokeswoman. “Men think that just because they can beat women in sports like tennis, that they are better at these sports than women. Sport is not just about victory or who is better. It’s about feelings and empowerment, and in tennis, it’s about lucrative advertising contracts, which is where women usually wipe the floor with men. But on the court, just playing for God’s sake, women are obviously handicapped by the patriarchy, which sees them physically undermined by hundreds of thousands of years of breeding just to make them attractive to men. See what the next bloke can do if he has to play like a woman, with his bad arm, on one leg, and unable to return his opponent’s serves.”