LONDON, ENGLAND

FEVERISH GOSSIP ABOUT a coup in Britain’s Labour Party, which would see Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer removed from power by his own colleagues, has given rise to a rumour that the plotters have actually asked Donald Trump to organize his kidnap from 10 Downing Street.

“The rumour is so strong right now, that allegedly Sir Keir has banned helicopters for a radius of a hundred miles around his official residence,” says a reporter for one of the London tabloids. “And he has the Royal Air Force on high alert for American aircraft carriers off the coast. News that a French aircraft carrier had left port caused half the British cabinet to go into lock down, it’s said, as the PM thought the Americans might have subcontracted the mission to Paris. I mean, being kidnapped by the US would be bad enough, but he could never survive kidnap by the French, could he?”