CARACAS

AN ORIGINAL PLAN, to leave a severed horse’s head in the bed of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro while he slept, was cancelled because the climate in the southern Caribbean presented too many difficulties, according to American military sources.

“Yeah, there was also a plan to leave a bullet-proof vest behind with two dead fish in it, but that faced the same climatic issues,” said a special operations soldier. “It’s just not a place you can leave dead animal parts around for a long time. So we took him and his wife and posted it all online. One of our guys did whistle the tune from The Godfather as we left. Sure, we made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.”