COPENHAGEN

DANISH INTELLIGENCE SOURCES say that the United States already has a plan to “kidnap” Greenland’s leading polar bear, and that President Trump will decide on the issue once he has watched a few more David Attenborough documentaries.

“Trump likes to do his research, and he adores animal programs” said a Danish intelligence officer, who operates as a *seal. “The idea would be to helicopter in, snatch the big fellow before it can dive into the ocean, and bring it back for trial in America. What they haven’t quite worked out yet are the charges it will face. There are open indictments ready to be filled in. And they’re working on a tracksuit, dark glasses and handcuffs that would fit a polar bear. There’s also the problem of a polar bear being able to stand about fourteen feet tall and rip you to pieces with a couple of unpleasant moves. These were not issues with Mr Maduro and his wife recently.”

*Not a Navy Seal, a real seal – ED