GREENLAND

A FURIOUS SEARCH is now on to find all the Chinese and Russian invaders threatening Greenland, even while US President Donald Trump once again turns his tariff arsenal on his European allies, in the face of a single British officer’s arrival to defend the island.

“They’re out there, they have to be,” said a Pentagon source. “Otherwise we’re the goddam baddies, and that can’t be. But they’re cunning these Russians and Chinese, they might be disguised as ice or snow flakes or killer whales, or anything. Even Musk Oxen. The President says they’re swarming around Greenland, ready to take it at any minute, so it must be the case. Otherwise what we’re doing is raw and naked aggression against our allies, and that makes us the baddies, and that can’t be. That officer the British have sent, he’s not James Bond, is he?”