BERLIN

IN THE FIRST such order since 1945, German attack submarines have slipped stealthily into the North Atlantic to take up positions off Greenland in the face of American threats to the island, according to reports.

“Zis is really nothing more than business as usual,” said a German naval officer. “Vee haf been here before, remember. In ze so-called happy times. Mein grandfather would be so proud. Ja. If Trump vants a fight over Greenland, zen put ’em up, Der Donald. Ze Deutsche Marine – or should I say ze Kriegsmarine – ist ready, villing und able to give you ze bloody nose.”