MANHATTAN

IT’S SAID TO be called the All-Gotham Extraordinary Commission, it will police the Big Apple in secret, and its job will be to seek out what are being labelled “counter-revolutionaries” who threaten Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s collective, formerly known as New York City.

“Thousands have already indicated that they are willing to serve by answering an initial advert sent to known Mamdani supporters,” said a city official. “We’re just getting the black leather jackets and high boots together. We haven’t settled on PPKs or Barrettas for personal sidearms, it depends on which is easiest to use when shooting someone in the back of the neck at close range; and, yeah, they’ll probably wear leather caps with Hammer and Sickle badges. The headquarters will need to be intimidating and yet secret. The kind of building you walk across the street to avoid passing. No one will ever see anyone leave, and no one will ever see anyone enter. Members will receive preferential housing and be able to shop in whatever stores are left with food on the shelves. It’s all very exciting. The next thing is to identify the counter-revolutionaries in this town. That shouldn’t be too difficult. Anyone who owns property is obviously in the first category. Wait for the 4am knock on the door!”