PLYMOUTH, ENGLAND

THE SIGHT OF French and Spanish ships headed to protect the British military base on Cyprus in the Eastern Mediterranean, while the Royal Navy struggles to put to sea, has caused shock waves in the corridors of power in London and led to speculation that old enemies may well be asked to look after other British interests across the globe if the Iran war spreads significantly.

“There’s talk of asking the Spanish to protect Gibraltar,” says Dr Sir Nelson Hardy-Drake VC, former rear admiral and the last man to sink an enemy ship by mooning. “And I’ve even heard whispers of a plea to the Argentinians to look after the Falklands, such is the damnable state of the Royal Navy. I mean are we going to ask the Germans to defend the English coast? Nelson would be plucking his good eye out, if he knew what was happening.”

The Royal Navy has been struggling to put to sea fully combat ready in recent days, as Iran launched missiles at the British base in Cyprus. On top of that, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has been less than enthusiastic about joining America and Israel in the war against Iran. Hardy-Drake believes that if the Royal Navy does not play a significant role in what it happening, its honor will have been so tarnished that senior officers will have to be shot.

“That is the Royal Navy way. Admiral Byng commanded his own firing squad in 1757 after the Minorca debacle. I knew that I would face a similar fate if I let that Icelandic herring trawler pass during the Cod War back in the 70s, so I showed them my arse and, by God, they were so stunned they ran aground. Aggression, that is the Royal Navy way. Not sitting in port waiting for the Human Resources and Mental Health Managers to arrive.”