GLASGOW

INABILITY TO PROCESS cooking oils due to a lack of petroleum-derived chemicals, may mean that the Deep-Fried Mars Bar becomes a collateral victim of the Iran War, and see the world slide slowly into a depression as a result, says a panel of doctors.

“If these chemicals are denied to the fried foods industry, then one of the unintended consequences could be a disappearance of the Deep-Fried Mars Bar, as well as other fried food favorites, and a consequent world-wide depression,” the panel warns.

“President Trump, who draws some of his base from the fried food belt in the United States, could see his own support collapse. Aside from this, Scotland, where the Deep-Fried Mars Bar has replaced haggis as a symbol of nationhood, could seek to seize all oil resources off its coast, just to save the national dish from extinction. To do this, it might have to declare independence from the United Kingdom.”

Jock Savage, a Glasgow soccer hooligan, who claims to eat fifty Deep-Fried Mars Bars a day, explained it thus: “Tack awee ma Deep-Freed Maars Baar and you tack awee ma self. Ah haf one thing tee say: Freedom!”