FROM AHAB ISHMAEL, OUR WHALING CORRESPONDENT

AUSTRALIA COULD BE rescued from an oil catastrophe by the reintroduction of whaling, according to a secret government report.

The report, so sensitive that it carries an Ultra Secret stamp on it, suggests the return of whaling to take the pressure off the uncertainty of current oil supplies due to the war in the Persian Gulf.

“Humpbacks trundle up and down our coasts, and all we’d need to do would be to slaughter them to near extinction to help with our immediate oil problems,” says Ron Harpoon, who has been hunting whales for science, for decades. “They’re sitting ducks for our technology. And when we’ve done them in, then we can go further afield and hit the really big boys. This new report is only speaking what many are already thinking. Why should these huge lazy creatures amble up and down our coasts, literally giving us the flipper, while we starve for lack of fuel. I say kill ’em all. The Government needs to get real and take the decisions that need to be taken.”