SAIGON

AS TALKS BETWEEN the United States and Iran stumble along, it is understood that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps is buying up millions of palm trees and other greenery from around the world just in case the negotiations fail.

“The idea is to transform Iran into something like Vietnam, at least in places, so that the Americans will think twice about their next move,” says tree broker Herb Sequoia who specializes in transforming battlefields before and after attacks. “The Iranians have been shipping palm trees and sundry jungle flora – and fauna, including tigers – from everywhere and anywhere they can. Even botanical gardens have been stripped. Rumor has it that some of the tolls demanded of oil tankers in the Strait of Hormuz are shipments of palm trees and other jungle foliage. The Iranians believe that they need to reinforce the belief among many Americans that an invasion of their country would be a repeat of the disaster of the Vietnam War. They are also banking on Donald Trump recalling what happened to him during the Vietnam War and hoping that his wanting to avoid another foot spur might push him in the direction of concessions and a workable peace they can survive. Otherwise, it’s *Agent Orange time for the mullahs and the martyrs, isn’t it.”

*METAPHOR – Agent Orange was an unpleasant defoliant that stripped Vietnam and neighboring countries of vegetation and left a lot of people with cancer – ED