ANONYMOUS PLEASE SEE ABOVE AND BEAR IT IN MIND – ED

FROM ORWELL WELLS-HUXLEY IN NEW YORK IS IT A DYSTOPIAN NIGHTMARE, OR A PROPHESY? “Imagine cities emptying, buildings decaying, vacant block after vacant block as far as the horizon,” says A. Edgar Poe of the Centrist Think Tank Welcome To Detroit. “It’s all very possible. I bet the Maya thought their cities would last forever…

BY MAO DENG PHOOEY, NARCOSTATE CORRESPONDENT FIRST THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT said that Britain should give the Falklands back to Argentina; now a telephone survey across the old Middle Kingdom has revealed that quite a large minority of Chinese people feel that Britain should be labelled a drug cartel for pouring drugs into China in the…

BY G. RASPUTIN IN MINSK AS HE BEGINS HIS exile in neighboring Belarus, Russian mercenary leader Yavgeny Prigozhin is carrying two warnings from friends in his head: always live in a single-storey dwelling and for God’s sake don’t ever drink tea again. The Wagner commander, who began his relationship with Russian President Putin as a…

FROM A TENT CITY IN SAN FRANCISCO IT TOOK OFF with a gold rush. It could end in a rush to the exit. “Some of California resembles a refugee camp,” says Diane Amnestee of street charity What the Fuck’s Happening? “You know there’s a growing problem of illegal Americans crossing into Mexico, looking for a…

BY DEFENCE EDITOR LEON PASTERNAK IT MIGHT sound like the plot of a thriller – Russian mercenaries being bought by Western Intelligence and joining a spectacular thrust across far-eastern Ukraine to Rostov-On-Don, to cut the entire Russian presence in Ukraine off from its home base and supplies. “That was the idea,” says an unnamed NATO…

FROM MILWALL, ENGLAND “HE’S A GOOD SAINT, NOT A GREAT SAINT.” These are God’s words. Confirmed by several divine sources who do not wish to be named. They come in direct contradiction to the great Irish Soccer pundit Eamon Dunphy’s claim in the Irish Mirror, that he was not a saint. “Brave move,” said a…

ATLANTIC OCEAN CORRESPONDENTS RUSSIAN SOURCES say that President Vladimir Putin has bought Wagner mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin a ticket for a submersible trip to the Titanic. “Hey, the man deserves it,” a Russian Defence Ministry spokesman said. “It’s $250,000 well spent,” said a Kremlin insider. “We were lucky, they can just squeeze him in,” said…

FROM DARKEST BELARUS RUMORS ARE CIRCULATING in Moscow that Vladimir Putin is has approached hard-man British TV star Ross Kemp to take command of the Wagner mercenaries following the group’s abortive march on the Russian capital. “Coup, my arse,” said a Kremlin insider. “This was industrial action. Remember, you get further with a kind word…

FROM ROSTOV-ON-DON THE ABORTIVE coup launched by the Wagner Private Military Company was sparked by revelations of undeclared payments to RTE superstar Ryan Tubridy, according to mercenary sources. A simmering dispute between the Kremlin and Wagner over pay and conditions blew up into full-scale rebellion for a while when the mercenaries found out that Tubridy…