BY AILISH WOKE, SENSITIVITY CORRESPONDENT THE GROWING POPULATION of sinners around the world are demanding that the Bible be rewritten, as its current form is completely insensitive and utterly insulting to their feelings. The pressure group, The Sinner’s Right To Choose, which boasts a continually growing membership, compares the Bible to Mein Kampf, and says…

ENVIRONMENT REPORTER BRIAN ETHIC VEGETARIANS ARE INCREASINGLY FACED WITH A DILEMMA. There is growing evidence that plants have feelings, even communicate and may even be conscious to come degree. “This has been coming for some time now and the evidence, while not conclusive, is forcing thousands of vegetarians into periods of self-loathing and denial.” So…

MEDIA DESK IT WILL BE the tabloid newspaper to end all tabloid newspapers. It will only be available to a select few on the Dark Web, and it will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the grubby truth. THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE already has plush offices near Circular Quay and an annual budget…

BY DES STEROID, SOCIAL EDITOR AN AUSTRALIAN rugby league player, who has begged not to be identified, has stunned the professional sporting world by treating a young woman with respect. The shocking incident took place at a Sydney nightclub where onlookers were paralyzed when they saw the huge 120 kilogram hulk, dressed in a suit…

DIPLOMATIC EDITOR WATCHING anyone being publicly dumped is never pleasant. Watching a one-time super star getting the elbow is almost heartbreaking. Almost. Like the ugly sisters witnessing Cinderella go to the ball, Ulster Unionists and British Conservatives have thrown a united tantrum, following Joe Biden’s trip to Ireland and their sense of abandonment. ” ‘How…

MEDIA DESK AS THE GROUND hardens in Eastern Ukraine and Western Analysts declare Russia’s invasion a busted flush, the long-awaited Ukrainian counter-attack, spearheaded by 14 British, and other NATO, tanks, has sparked a furious bidding war among American streaming services for the rights to document the Ukrainian victory The streaming services have been suffering financially…

BY RICHARD TRUECOLOURS, COLONIAL EDITOR PRESIDENT JOE Biden’s visit to Ireland has been met with near hysteria in the British Tory media. A sense of desperation akin to a partner being dumped for someone older, has gripped the right-wing press in London. “He hardly looked at our Indian Prime Minister but he’s out dining with…

BY BUCKY LASTARD, ECONOMICS CORRESPONDENT There was a homeless man, living in Sydney Australia, who spent his nights sleeping rough around Martin Place in the city centre. This man, who we shall call Stan, had had a sad life. He had been in the army, where, during service in Afghanistan, he had suffered PTSD. Upon…

BY MICHAEL ROCKEFELLER, HEADHUNTER EDITOR THEY CALL HIM “The Great Porky” in their language, and they worship him. He is Boris Johnson, and they are a small tribe of headhunters resident on an island in the South Pacific. “They also refer to him as The Lord Of The Lies, a titled garnered from news reports,…

BY MAGDA MAPLETHORPE, ENTERTAINMENT DESK SPIELBERG TO DIRECT? HOLLYWOOD IS BUZZING with rumours that Tom Cruise will take the lead in a new epic about the Ukraine War. Provisionally titled I Need Ammo Not a Ride after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s famous reply to an offer to fly him to safety following the Russian invasion…