KYIV “RUSSIAN MOVEMENTS MAY be slow, but at least they are in the right direction,” says Dr Richard Tamerlane of the Jutland Corporation, a strategic think tank devoted to humiliating failures in military technology. “It’s probably time for Ukraine to lay down a barrage of insults against the Russians, if only to cover the less…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A PAPER IN The Scientific Dolphin, an alternative online research journal, suggests that human teenagers may be the remnants of our interbreeding with Neanderthals. And it’s all to do with sleeping habits. Neanderthals are thought to have survived freezing cold winters during ice ages, by virtually hibernating through the worst months. This habit…

CORLEONE PUT AWAY YOUR horses’ heads, tech firm Nvidia has agreed to a Trump demand of a 15% cut to the US Government for the right to sell security-sensitive AI chips to China. In a bizarre turn of events, the US President has actually charged a major US technology firm for the right to sell…

GAZA PALESTINIAN MILITANT GROUP Hamas is to name one of its massacre and kidnap brigades after its new hero Anthony Albanese. The Albanese Martyrs Brigade will continue to be devoted to slaughter and kidnapping, and perhaps throwing the occasional homosexual off whatever roof still remains in Gaza. But it will also operate in co-operation with…

GAZA HAMAS FIGHTERS HAVE nicknamed Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, Albo of Gaza, in a reference to cinematic leading man Lawrence of Arabia, after the Aussie leader announced recognition of a Palestinian state. “Albo U Akbar,” they cried before disappearing into a tunnel in Gaza City. Hamas has been on the back foot for some…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A UNITED NATIONS official has told the Kookaburra Bugle that the criminals of Washington DC could be declared a persecuted minority following Donald Trump’s decision to send in the National Guard to deal with crime in the American capital. “This could be seen as a genocide if he takes it further,” said the…

RAMALLAH ON THE WEST Bank of the Jordan River, they laugh at Western leaders who declare solemn recognition of a Palestinian state, and wonder why these politicians in far off lands want to seal them into a rump useless desert state, punctured by Israeli settlements, and weighed down by corruption, when they see everything from…

BY OUR CONSPIRACY TEAM IRISH GOVERNMENT SOURCES are saying privately that they suspect Israel’s intelligence agency Mossad is behind the spike in racist attacks on Indians living on the Emerald Isle. Unnamed officials are insisting that Israel is “quite obviously” hitting back at Ireland’s strong position on the Gaza War by organizing the vicious beating…

DUBLIN AS THOUSANDS OF INDIANS living in Ireland cower in fear after a spate of savage racist attacks on their fellow citizens, back home on the sub-continent there have been calls for India to boycott Irish goods in protest at what some are calling the seeds of a “genocide” against its citizens living on the…

DUBLIN AN ULTRA-SECRET doomsday plan, which would see Ireland selling military bases to China and Russia, should Donald Trump’s tariffs wreck the Irish economy, is said to be causing concern in the Pentagon. “We’ll turn that fucker’s golf course in Clare into a Chinese missile site and give Shannon airport to Putin,” said an Irish…