BELFAST IT TOOK CIVIL servants in Northern Ireland by surprise when their websites were crashed by a sudden rush to volunteer for jury duty by people they would never have suspected had such dedication. “We were overwhelmed by a tide of Catholics – you know from the addresses – suddenly desperate to do jury service,”…

BELFAST WORLD CYNICISM EXPERT Nicky McVelly has told the Kookaburra Bugle that he believes the DUP should recall Iris Robinson to its ranks, to deflect the attention that the allegations against Jeffrey Donaldson will bring to the party in the coming months. Iris Robinson, who is married to one-time DUP supremo Peter Robinson, brought the…

FROM WOKE, ACT “FOR FAR TOO long male aggression has corrupted our armed forces, it’s time for a change.” These are the words said to lead off a new Australian Federal Government White Paper on the culture of the Australian Defence Force. The leaked document is purported to be a call for a complete overhaul…

BY JAMES SAVILE-SODYM, OUR BRITISH GOVERNMENT BRIGHT IDEAS CORRESPONDENT THE OLD H-BLOCKS, scene of so many dramas during the Troubles in Northern Ireland, may have a new lease of life if a British Government proposal to reopen the prison to house sex offenders comes to fruition. The prison, long closed, is situated on an old…

BY CLINT BRONSON A NEW ACADEMIC study describes Texans 12,000 years ago as heavily-armed, tool-crazy hunters. “These guys were stone-age Donald Trump voters,” says Dr Stone Canyon, who led the archaeological dig that founded the research. “Mad, bad and very dangerous to know. They took the war to whatever enemy they fought, be it game…

PYONGYANG, DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA (FOR AMERICANS, THAT’S NORTH KOREA) SCIENTISTS IN THE hermetically-sealed demi-peninsula that is the DPRK have made an astounding claim that they are close to manufacturing a personal black hole, which can be used to slow time around an individual human being. The North Korean boffins were originally ordered by…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY NATO EXPERTS SAY they believe that the Ukrainian Army has wiped out its Russian enemy to the last man. “Our calculations tell us there are no more Russian soldiers left,” insists Colonel Wilhelm Eggnogg of NATO’s 1st Statistician Laptop Fusiliers, a multi-national regiment based in Warsaw. “They are relying solely on robots now.…

DUBLIN WITH THE NUMBERS of Irish police officers being charged with criminal offences rising, fresh calls have been made for the establishment of a special court to deal with police crimes. “It’s definitely an idea whose day has come, I believe,” said a Sinn Fein party worker who fell foul of the *Heavy Gang in…

TIK TOK SIMON HARRIS MAY well be the Tik Tok Taoiseach in waiting but news that actor Hugh Grant has ambitions to enter politics has started a flurry of rumours that the star of Paddington 2, Notting Hill and Love Actually – where he played a young Prime Minister – was approached by Fine Gael’s…

FROM OUR PATENT COURT REPORTER CLAIMS THAT new Irish supremo SIMON Harris has been sold a (*King’s?) hospital pass by his predecessor Leo Varadkar, have been brought into sharp focus by a recent internal Fine Gael poll suggesting that many Irish voters believe the June Constitutional Referendum to allow the country join the Unified Patent…