Australia’s new American submarines are all haunted, according to a French historian. “That is why they are giving them to you,” said Jacques St Just Gateau, Professor of Naval Economics at the prestigious Ecole Bateau in Paris.

“These boats are all stalked by the ghosts of nuclear accidents. The Americans never reveal their nuclear accident but there have been many over the decades and submariners have died. Their deaths are covered up as shark attacks and diving accidents.

“American sailors will not man these submarines. Stories of ghoulish figures in various states of radioactive decay prowling US submarines have been circulating in the academic community for years now. It’s been difficult for Washington to keep people silent. Now they have the perfect solution. Rename them, send them to Australia and tell those American sailors who will have to assist in operating them that they are British submarines bought by the Australians. Everybody is happy.”

“Except the Bloody French,” said Reg Merriweather, an Australian Government spokesman. They’re still pissed off we dumped them. These subs are perfectly fine. A little old, a little rusty, but when get the nuclear tipped Tomahawks, who’ll give a stuff? No, scratch that, that’s off the record. The nuclear stops at the engines. Do you know we only produce a handful of nuclear engineers a year here in Australia? Fancy that. Look, you can’t put that but about the Tomahawks in … I wasn’t supposed to say that, it’s fuckin’ classified. Albo’ll have my balls. Okay, the damn things are haunted, so we get them at a discount. Should let us pay for the NDIS, well some of it … Oh shit …