EXCLUSIVE FROM HILLORI KLYNTUN IN NEW YORK

BEHIND the scenes of Donald Trump’s indictment, the Bugle has learned that the former President’s hair and tan have been in private negotiations with prosecution lawyers for months.

“These meetings have taken place in an Italian barber shop in Brooklyn, to avoid the public gaze,” says an on-the-lam police informer who now runs a podcast on Youtube.

“It’s not clear if his hair and tan are negotiating some kind of separate deal for themselves or are going to actually give evidence. They were humiliated by the photo shots, especially the hair. And they blame Trump for subjecting them to that. But more to the point, they dread the possibility of prison. I mean, hair like that and a rich permatan, that’s bitch material.

“They’ll be seeking immunity of course. But I don’t believe witness protection is necessary. The Donald and his hair and tan are bound together forever. He needs them and when all is said and done, even if they have been leading separate lives for years, they need him, so whatever happens they’ll reconcile.

“Look, this is a whole new avenue of criminal investigation, maybe a game changer. I hear senior members of the Five LCN Families are all visiting barber shops and tanning salons for advice and short cuts. They haven’t been this worried since RICO.”