BY RICHARD TRUECOLOURS, COLONIAL EDITOR

PRESIDENT JOE Biden’s visit to Ireland has been met with near hysteria in the British Tory media. A sense of desperation akin to a partner being dumped for someone older, has gripped the right-wing press in London.

“He hardly looked at our Indian Prime Minister but he’s out dining with their Indian Prime Minister,” Maximus Bullyman, who hosts a right-wing talk show on a Conservative news channel in the British capital, told his audience in a near ten minute rant.

“They’re bloody paddies, micks. Only good for a laugh. And when they’re not making you laugh, likely as not they’re trying to kill you. They have betrayed us at every turn. World War One, World War Two, The Falklands, even Brexit. How dare they stay in the European Union when we’ve left. And there’s Joe Biden arm in arm with them. Living it up down in IRA central. Jesus, he virtually flew the IRA flag from his car.

“Doesn’t he know the history of Ireland? How we only went there to keep order; how we spent centuries trying to keep them from slaughtering each other; how they back-stabbed us at every opportunity; how we saved them from themselves in 1921; how we gave them everything they have that’s of any use. The trouble they’ve caused us. You get no thanks in this world.”

“Look, he’s nothing but a fucking paddy-loving cunt,” said Sir Prickly Westminster, whose Brexit-supporting online newspaper, the Daily Imperialist, is a platform for modern British opinion. “And we don’t need him. We don’t need anyone. We’ll regain the empire alone. We did it before; we’ll do it again. God Save The King and Donald Trump.”