KYIV REPORTING STAFF AND WIRE SERVICES

IN A BOMBSHELL report for President Vladimir Putin, one of his strategic experts has told the Russian President that if the Russian Army cannot get the lead out of its boots, it will take about 500 years at their current rate of advance to cross Ukraine and reach the Polish border, should they wish to do so. And they’ll run out of men way before that.

Western intelligence reports say that having analysed the Battle of Bakhmut, which has been going on since October last year, the unnamed strategist was overheard telling his boss that he had some good news and some bad news. “The good news is that we are winning in Bakhmut,” he said.

“I know this,” Putin replied. “And the bad news?”

“The bad news is we are winning in Bakhmut,” the expert said then. There was a slight chuckle and then a long silence. “Look, it’s all going far too slow,” the expert said in an attempt to shore up his position. “And we’re using up far too many men. Prisoners aside.”

“How too slow?” asked Putin.

“More too slow than you would like,” said his expert. “I calculate that at the rate we are moving, we will be at the current Polish border by 2525. Hey isn’t there a song about that?

“2525? Putin said.

“ish,” said the expert.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” said the President.

“No. Actually, probably on a Monday, at about 4.30 in the afternoon. If the weather is good. And we can find a lot more people. Because we will run out of them … on a five hundred year time frame.”

At this point the Russian President erupted in temper and the recording became garbled. Some listeners claimed they heard a shot, others the sound of someone being garroted.