SCIENCE DESK

IT USE TO BE that just about every second American claimed they had been abducted and physically examined by aliens. It was a particularly popular experience around the time of the movie, Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Today, while their ships and probes are frequently spotted, you hardly ever hear of anyone even meeting aliens, let alone being taken away by them. And there’s a good reason.

Top Secret NASA documents, obtained by the Kookaburra Bugle, reveal that at least three of the distant exoplanets where scientists believe alien space craft originate, are now suffering from severe overcrowding.

“Look, we’re not the only planet these creatures have been bringing abductees back from,” explained Professor Steven Truffaut, a specialist in extra-terrestrial intelligence and abduction techniques, based in New Mexico. “And it appears from our intercepts – yes, of course we are listening – that this practice has caused a backlash against the influx of humans and others, so much so that the abduction flights have virtually stopped.

“It’s a big issue, from what we can discern. There are protests on the streets – and in the clouds of some planets – and occasionally they have turned violent. Inhabitants of these places are blaming immigrants for all their problems, particularly humans. It’s getting nasty.

“Indeed, and this is speculative, we might expect a huge program of returning abductees to their home planets to begin soon; and we should be preparing for it. Because over the millennia, God knows how many human beings and other earth creatures have been taken by these aliens and not yet returned to our planet. If they were to be all returned at the same time, it could create one hell of a shit storm.”

When asked for comment, NASA denied any knowledge of this. “We know nothing,” a spokeswoman said. “What do you know? And how do you know it?”

The White House insists that no contact has yet been made with extra-terrestrial intelligence of any kind.

Curiously, the Kremlin says that all returning Russians will face immediate conscription.