FATUOUS CLAIMS CORRESPONDENT

CLAIMS BY TORY CHAIRMAN Greg Hands that Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine was a factor in Conservative Party local election losses have been dismissed by the Russian president.

A western intercept of communications between the Kremlin and its London embassy indicate that Putin is upset at what has happened to the Conservatives and wants to try and prevent the rot spreading. One of the communications obtained by the Kookaburra Bugle at great expense reads:

“… Great God almighty, if I could, I would have Britain ruled by the Tories forever. They’re worth ten divisions to me. Do they not know that we have tried our best to help them stay in power everywhere, but you can only do so much for fools. I bitterly regret what has happened and hope that it does not foreshadow a competent government in Westminster any time soon.”