BELGRADE, THURSDAY

“THE WAR HAS moved to a new battlefield – internet brides are a huge industry in that part of the world. Forget wheat, the biggest export is, and always has been, pretty girls with huge breasts.”

Dating website guru Igor Trotski is no stranger to conflict. He arranged marriages between eastern European women and Western men for decades before suddenly moving to Cyprus a few years ago. “I was doing it when the Soviet Union was still around,” he says. “Believe me that was tough. I had to get my brides over the Berlin Wall sometimes. Mostly, we smuggled them into Turkey through the mountains. The old Tatiana Express; or the Black Sea Root, as we often called it. That’s a little play on words only Australians would understand.”

Igor says that a recent strike by a Russian missile on a Ukrainian breast enhancement clinic near Lviv is only the latest in a battle that goes back to the 1960s. “You know, JFK wanted one of my girls. But he was married and we were very proper in those days. Now, only money talks, and all that is necessary is a set of lips that could suck off a camel and breasts so big you could float across the Atlantic on them. After that, it’s just war.”

Which leads him to believe that the missile hits are no accident. “It’s the fifth Ukrainian clinic hit since last year; and three Russian boob shops have been attacked by Ukrainian drones since their Counter-Offensive began in June. Coincidence? I think not. Remember, competition online for this market is fierce. The Asians have really moved in big time, and their women are not only wickedly enhanced but will do almost anything for a man. You live in the United States of Woke or wherever else in the West, and this is an offer of paradise. These are real wives, who do wife things and stay with their men. Almost unheard of in the West now. And so to compete, the Ukrainian and Russian girls have to have jugs you could hang you hat on. Expect more missiles, I’m afraid. In the end, this is more important than territory. And it causes panic and price rises everywhere in Europe and America. Good for business? Maybe. “

Igor says he has left the trade himself, and now only consults on what’s on offer on various bride websites. “I can tell whether the enhancement is good, and will last. I can mark them out of ten. I can even tell when lips might explode during rigorous oral intimacy. You have to watch out for that. You interested? Yes, I can see you are. Take my card.”