DUBLIN

DEMOCRATIC UNIONIST PARTY leader Gavin Robinson’s demand that the Irish Republic to his South increase the size of its military is being likened to a turkey calling for Christmas.

“Unionism as a whole, but the Democratic Unionists in particular, have always been known as a political group that never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity,” says Ronald Toneless, a Dublin-based Unionist whose most recent volume The Union Forever will be released on the anniversary of the burning of Bombay Street, Belfast in 1969. “It’s something we in the South have to protect them against- themselves. Let’s face it, when the Good Lord was handing out brains, he passed over his preferred servants in Ulster in favor of just about everyone else. Mr Robinson’s demand that the Irish Republic give up relying on the UK for its defence, and grow its army might have outcomes he has not fully thought through.”

Professor Myles Tirim-Ag-Gaire of the Zero Sum Institute, in Zimbabwe, which studies the fates of colonial populations when the imperial power withdraws, says that Mr Robinson may have failed to notice that Ireland has really only had one enemy over the past eight hundred years. “England has fought just about every country in the world at one time or another; Ireland has only fought England and its allies, many of whom were Irish. It’s an accident of geography that when England defends itself, it defends Ireland. It has to. And the Irish have taken advantage of this recently, while claiming to be neutral. Much like Canada sheltered behind the USA until a few weeks ago. Indeed, once a power takes over Britain, it must try and control Ireland to secure its control of Britain. Which is one reason why Mr Robinson’s ancestors were planted in Ulster. When London loses control in Ireland, its defences are always seriously compromised. And lets face it, it has essentially lost control in its last portion of Ireland in recent decades. An alliance between both islands would be the best option now. With Proportionate contributions. Remember, Ireland is an island with virtually no ocean-going tradition; whereas Britain led the world there for a while. Inshore piracy and cross-channel raiding was as good as it ever got with the Irish. The Vikings often provided fleets to Irish kings. But they’re no longer around. The Irish Naval Service is a fishery protection organisation. The Irish Army is a reasonably trained gendarmerie, there more to protect against its wilder twin, the IRA, and others, at home – or to monitor ceasefires overseas – than to fight actual wars; but never allowed to be strong enough to present a threat to the Irish state itself. It hasn’t had a jet fighter capability for decades. And it’s having the same problems and many other military organisations: people just don’t want to be soldiers any more. If the Irish military does grow significantly, it will necessarily want to do something with its newly acquired strength. Watch this space.”