LONDON

BRITISH OFFICIALS ARE furiously trying to reassure the world that its latest nuclear attack simulation is in alliance with neighbor France and not against its ancient foe.

“People have been ringing in from all around the kingdom cheering us on for preparing to nuke the French,” said a Ministry of Defence spokesman. “We are desperate to correct them that in this exercise, we are allies with the French. Many are not pleased, I’ll tell you. One street in an area where Reform is gaining votes, actually had a street party to celebrate us nuking France. Several of the younger dwellers appeared at local recruitment offices and asked to sign on. We are not at war with France, and we are not simulating a war with France. Remember, they have nuclear weapons too. We have war-gamed it, of course – we war-game wars everywhere – and it just doesn’t work for us. Not to mention the cost. No, we’re allies. Against the demon Putin. And those Muslim loonies, some of whom seem to dominate street protests around Paris. We do not want a caliphate on the Left Bank or in the Dordogne; and definitely not in the West Midlands. So, we have interests that parallel. And yes, when we war-gamed a conflict with the frogs, we lost. Our working aircraft carrier broke down trying to get out of port; our nuclear subs came down with ecoli; and the RAF was too busy bombing the Middle East to help the Saudis, to do anything useful. Let’s stick with the Entente Cordiale.”