MID-NORTH COAST, NEW SOUTH WALES

AN AUSTRALIAN MAN who once sold an entire kitchen carrying ASIO spyware to a restaurant being used as the centre of a Chinese spy ring, has claimed that he could bring down the Peoples’ Republic of China with his bare hands and his significant private parts.

Paul, who also claims to have bedded more women than James Bond, says he only has to kick in the door and the Peoples’ Republic would disintegrate like the proverbial hitting a Shanghai-made ceiling fan.

“These hands have taken down a saltwater crocodile while drinking a hundred beers at the same time. I think I can manage the commies,” he boasted from his spa. “And these bollocks …. well, I’m a gentleman, aren’t I?”

Voted Larrikin Of The Year for five consecutive years by his local RSL, Paul insists that destroying tyranny is all in a day’s work for him.