BY RAY JINGO FROM THE FRONT LINE WITH THE UKRAINIAN OFFENSIVE EVERYWHERE “THE COWARDS, we will have them all sledgehammered,” roared Russian General Maxim Stalingrad, whose entire brigade left their fortifications in southern Ukraine and began running towards the sea when they heard the British Challengers were coming. News that the 14 British-supplied Challenger tanks…

BY CHARLIE CLAUSEWITZ A CHILD in a small school in the mid-western United States has been severely scolded by teachers and the arrested by US Government officials for asking a question that has been deemed “treason” by many of his elders and betters. “The little fuck had the gall to point out the damned obvious…

BY WINSTON ROOSEVELT IN KYIV AS the Ukrainian Army appears to struggle to make progress in its current offensive moves along the war front, the call has gone out for more promotional videos to be made available to help the fighting troops in their gravest hour. “It’s a hard battle we’re facing,” said Ukrainian spokesperson,…

BY POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT MUKUS MEMBRANE “THEY COULDN’T even organize a simple political hatchet job without cocking it up!” So said Ernie Fyckser, PR guru, and media relations consultant, best known for helping to shape O J Simpson’s publicity in the mid-1990s, and advising Vladimir Putin during his successful annexation of Crimea in 2014, when he…

POLITICAL DESK “IT’S THE FUCKING KISS OF DEATH, ISN’T IT?” said a long-term supporter of Senator Katie Gallagher, “when the boss says he has full confidence in you. It means he’s hanging you out to dry. We’re all shittin’ ourselves. Katie’s our girl. Albo’s a cold bastard when he wants to be. Irish-Italian, isn’t he?…

FROM OUR SCIENCE DESK THE AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER’S continuing passion for overseas travel is not without its danger for the planet, says a climate change advocate. Sven Bole-Hyper, a Swedish researcher into reindeer migration patterns in northern Lapland, has warned that the constant use of his private jet, the distances traveled and the fuel used,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY “WELL, WE were completely out of dunny roll at the time, and the Minister was aching for a dump,” said Magnus Opus, a Canberra trade specialist. “I mean there was shit all over it anyway, as for as the Poms were concerned, so we figured who’d notice some more. No, I’m not saying…

FROM HOMER SIMPSON AT THE FRONT THE SIGHT of lines of Ukrainian tanks being picked off has caused dismay in the West. So far, the Great Ukrainian Counter- Offensive – if that is what is happening – has all the appearance of the Russian offensive of February last year, in reverse. “Surely to Christ, they’re…

BY MARK GROUPING IN BELFAST FEARS AMONG Northern Ireland’s Unionists, that their beloved Northern Ireland Centenary Stone, soon to be erected at Stormont, had perhaps been the victim of an IRA attack, proved premature, when officials pointed out that the stone’s resemblance to a piece of human skull with a large bullet wound in it…

BY RANDAL HOWLING IN BELFAST, EUROPEAN UNION THE “POST-BREXIT WONDERFUL NEW UK”, hailed by Belfast Newsletter editor Ben Lowry, has been held up at Larne in Northern Ireland, as Brexit prevents it getting through customs and into Britain as it’s a European Union import without the proper stamp of approval from London. “Crazy though it…