LONDON THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT has been advised that if it is going to tax the rich more, it has to do it quickly, before they all leave the country. “The rich have been leaving this country faster than England batsmen leaving their wickets after a demolition by Australian bowlers,” says Max Lucre, of Take The…

MILLWALL, ENGLAND SPANISH RESEARCHERS HAVE made a remarkable discovery with respect to tourists who visit their country from England: they have a much higher proportion of Neanderthal DNA in their genetic makeup than any other Europeans. “Our scientists looked at sixty years of police records of fights involving English tourists holidaying in Spain,” said a…

BELFAST IRISH NATIONALISTS HAVE proposed that the voting age be lowered to 5 in Northern Ireland to take advantage of their majority among younger people in any Irish Unity poll. Impatience Is A Virtue, a not-for-profit advocacy group in favor of Irish Unity, says that since everyone in Northern Ireland is merely marking time, waiting…

COLONIAL EDITOR, CHURCHILL CLIVE THE IRISH GOVERNMENT has had to reassure Ulster Unionists that its proposed Occupied Territories Bill, actually refers to illegal the Israeli occupation of Palestinian territory in the West Bank, and not to British rule in Northern Ireland, after some hard-line loyalists swore that if Dublin banned their products then they would…

MADHATTER PLANS TO TRANSFORM the Big Apple into a Socialist Utopia can only be seen a successful when there is more human waste on the streets of Manhattan than on those of San Francisco, according to a left-wing philosopher who believes New York City can achieve Cambodian status within a decade. “It we freeze rents,…

FAMILY CORRESPONDENT JUSTA CHEETA “IF YOU TAKE your mistress to a public event, we will find you!” A stark warning from Ron Canded, newly-hired cameraman, working for a syndicate of high-end law firms across the United States. “I have a staff of a hundred on the books already and it’s only going to grow. We’re…

ECONOMICS DESK A NEW CURRENCY has entered American finance, the cheating CEO video. “Forget Bitcoin, forget gold, forget treasuries, the newest store of real long-term value has to be hug-shot,” says Wall Street trader Bernie Ponzi, whose original hedge fund, Vacant Lot, collapsed last year. “I’m back and I’m buying up every available video I…

DIVORCE EDITOR, ROONEY TAYLOR A MAD SCRAMBLE to get hold of videos of Cold Play and other concerts has seen thousands of US Chief Executive Officers offering enormous sums of money to secure footage of events they attended in recent decades, following the recent exposure of an affair between a senior tech executive and his…

GAZA “IT MAY WELL be the quickest way to get America to lean on Israel. Just have everyone in Gaza covert to Catholicism. You get the Vatican on your side too. It’s win win. Otherwise stray munitions are going to keep hitting civilian gatherings.” General Archibald Armchair of the London-based MI6Links strategic policy think tank,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY DIANE ABBOTT’S REMARK that Jews, and others experience racism differently to black people may have resulted in her suspension from the UK’s ruling Labour Party, but it has also led to serious confusion among the world’s black Jews. “I don’t know if people hate me more because I am black, or Jewish,” said…