DUBLIN A PETITION BEGGING Israel to compete in the next Eurovision Song Contest is attracting tens of thousands of Irish signatures, who see it as a sure fire way of ensuring that they don’t have to watch the event. “If Israel competes, Ireland says it will boycott, and we will be saved from having to…

CONSPIRACY REPORTERS (WHO WISH TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS) ONLINE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS are tripping over themselves with various theories that the killing of Charlie Kirk involved a conspiracy that itself might be a conspiracy. Rabbit Hole, a conspiracy theory chat space, is alive with theories that Kirk’s assassin may have had assistance, while its competitor, Onion Peel,…

WASHINGTON, DC “WE KNOW WHO we’re looking for: these copycat shooters are usually white, middle-class young men who fit these categories: loser, loaner, nerd or dork. Sometimes all of them. Indeed, these guys eerily mirror many of their Islamist counterparts in their backgrounds and the way they secretly become radicalized. So if we had a…

UTAH IT IS ENTIRELY possible that Artificial Intelligence has already identified the killer of Charlie Kirk, says a leading criminologist. “With facial recognition, and all we have found, my guess is they know who they are looking for,” says Mickey Chandler, who helps law enforcement with profiling and evidence as part of his job. “The…

FROM OUR CHRISTIANITY EDITOR, NERO DOMITIAN DESPITE DETRACTORS’ CLAIMS, Ireland’s national television station has proved that all the millions and millions and millions, spent on it over the years, have not been squandered, when it exposed recently assassinated American influencer Charlie Kirk to the world as an “outspoken Christian” on its website. ‘We all knew…

MOSCOW THE FALL OF the Soviet Union may come to be seen as the catastrophe that Vladimir Putin claims it is, says a prominent historian. Professor Neelovich Ferguzonskev of the Gulag University in Siberia, says that Soviet Communism, for all its faults, was the conservative version of Marxism. That it helped control the spread of…

FROM OUR LUNATIC FRINGE EDITOR JOHN MADASABALOON MILLIONS OF LEFT-WING Americans are vowing they will pledge to a Gofundme page for the killer of Charlie Kirk. “If the assassin remains at large, people will contribute to any fugitive expenses incurred – including false documents and facial surgery – and if caught then a lawyer will…

DUBLIN WRITERS AN IRISH WARSHIP, the LE Aoibhinn, which slipped quietly into Belfast port recently, could be employed patrolling the customs border in the Irish Sea between the European Union and that part of the United Kingdom not still under EU trade rules, says a leading strategic thinker. “It’s lightly armed – some machine guns…

GAZA A SECRET UNITED Nations paper proposes that Palestinian civilians could be dressed in blue-striped pajamas to enable the Israeli Defence Forces to recognize them. “The women, of course, could have a striped burqa version of the outfit for cultural sensitivity,” said a UN spokesperson. “But the pajamas would highlight in no uncertain terms the…

DUBLIN COMMENTS BY IRELAND’S leadership, that the country would be open to Ukrainian peacekeeping, which caused citizens to believe the Ukrainian Army was coming to the Emerald Isle to help maintain law and order on the streets, have been clarified by Irish Government insiders, who insist that the remarks refer to Irish personnel potentially going…