WASHINGTON BUREAU A FORMER PROFESSIONAL hit man says US Presidential candidate Donald Trump probably survived the recent assassination attempt on him because of the unique texture and color of his hair. J.A Kill, who claims to have worked for the Colombo Crime Family, Mossad, North Korea and Cuba in his time as a professional murderer,…

FROM OUR SPACE CORRESPONDENT, TOM MAJOR A GROUP OF cosmic observers using a satellite to search for alien life across the Universe say that they have discovered what appears to be an extra-terrestrial communication which they claim says no intelligent life can be found on Earth. “Could this be why we have not met any…

KURSK UKRAINIAN LEADERS HAVE revealed to the world that their intention is to drive the Russians out of Russia, or at least as much of it as they can. “This new offensive into Russia is what Ulster Protestants call a return of serve,” said a well-placed general. “What is sauce for the goose is vodka…

BELFAST FOLLOWING THE RECENT anti-migrant love-in between hard-line Ulster Loyalists and right-wing Irish Nationalists in Belfast, the Nationalists who found themselves welcomed as comrades by their former Unionist enemies, say that hard-core Fascism is perhaps the way to speed up Irish unity. “Look we’re not really into all the black shirts and leather, and we…

FROM OUR DOMESTIC PET EDITOR, FELIX POOCH THERE ARE MORE pet dogs in the United States of America than children. There are more pet cats in the United States of America than children. There are about 90 million pet dogs in the United States of America. There are about 80 million pet cats in the…

KYIV “SHOULD HAVE ALL of it by Christmas. That’s Christmas 2350 at the current rate of advance.” Ivan Demisovych spent his youth fighting in Stalingrad and his middle age in a Gulag. He knows Russia, he knows Russians. He lives in a small cabin in the Siberian forests that dominate Asiatic Russia. He has no…

SYDNEY IF YOU LOG on to The Sydney Morning Herald website, the paper has a sad story of hubris and suicide from The Hamptons on Long Island, New York. The story is not important. Access to it is. The Sydney Morning Herald wants you to pay for access. Click on to The New York Times…

WASHINGTON DC “THESE DAYS, IMAGE is absolutely everything; substance counts for almost nothing. And you know why? Because substantively these candidates have very little separating them.” The words of long-time US political analyst Owen Ballut, who has been covering American Presidential elections since 1948. “Abortion, guns and medical care are the divides but only really…

MOSCOW WITH THE UKRAINIAN ADVANCE towards Kursk continuing apace, Western commentators speculate furiously on how long it will take the Ukrainians to conquer Russia. “The first 30km are always the hardest,” says Brigadier Gerard Escargot, late of Her Majesty’s 115th Mounting Root, “after that, as long as you keep your eyes on the prize, it…

FROM FRED BARBAROSSA IN UKRAINE RUMOURS OF GERMAN armored vehicles moving towards Kursk in Russia have sent some of the last remaining Teutonic veterans of the Second World War into low earth orbit, it appears. “Zis ist vat I haf been avaiting all mein life,” said Hermann from Paraguay, a former Hauptsturmfuhrer in the Das…