PLYMOUTH ROCK ELON MUSK’S DEPARTMENT of Government Efficiency has discovered that the crew of the migrant ship, the Mayflower, are still being paid social security. The Mayflower brought the Pilgrim Fathers to America in 1620. Its crew supposedly died in the 17th Century. “Look, they were illegal migrants,” a bureaucrat said. “They automatically get payments.”

LOUISIANA CHRISTOPHER SEPULVADO, the oldest man on death row in Louisana, has cheated death row by dying weeks before the state of Louisiana was scheduled to kill him. Sepulvado, 81, who had been on death row for three decades, murdered his 6-year-old stepson, Wesley Mercer, in a most brutal fashion in 1992. “The scumbag got…

BERLIN WHILE THE ELECTORAL success of Alternative Fur Deutschland has caused howls of “Nazi” and “Fascist” from its opponents, some of its supporters are shouting back, that the Nazis failed, and they will not. “Hitler called it all wrong,” says Otto Ostie, from Upper Saxony: “He brought millions of foreigners into Germany as slave labour;…

HOLLYWOOD ALL HE NEEDS is a cat and a weird underground headquarters. Donald Trump has provided the rest. Volodymyr Zelenskyy is set up to be a James Bond villain. “One James Bond movie should clear his country’s debts to America, and give him a career after politics,” says Hollywood reporter Tab Arbuckle, who reckons that…

DUBLIN ISRAEL AND DONALD Trump have released so much moral indignation in Ireland that telling the rest of mankind what it should be doing has begun to overtake foreign tech and pharma as the key growth sector in the Irish economy. “It’s in danger of becoming a bubble,” says Aonghus Kneehigh, a senior research fellow…

BY JOE CLAUSWITZ-TZU OUR WE TOLD YOU SO CORRESPONDENT IDEOLOGIES TRY TO DESTROY each other; states are happy to steal riches and territory. Ideological warfare is total; state warfare is limited. We’ve spent one hundred years fighting ideologies; they are gone and we are back to where we started. “This has happened before and may…

KYIV IT’S LIKE FINDING your wife in bed with your best friend. Ukrainian President Zelensky must feel like he’s been thrown from an airplane without a parachute. Donald Trump says he’s a dictator, his army is slowly being pushed back in the Donbas, and squeezed in Kursk. What is he to do? “Attack!” says Mad…

BUENOS AIRES AN ARGENTINIAN POLICE report on Liam Payne’s final hours before he fell to his death from a hotel balcony in Buenos Aires, shows the multi-millionaire pop star was another tragic victim of those demons, fame and fortune. “You have to feel sorry for him,” says Ellie Billie-Goosebumps, a One Direction fan since she…

BERLIN AMERICAN INTELLIGENCE AGENTS are now hoping that a victory in Ukraine will cause Vladimir Putin’s head to swell so much, he will make a terrible decision, like invading China – or investing in Californian real estate, and in that way bring his regime down. “The use of Ukraine to beat him into submission has…

LONDON “I AM REMINDED of Scarlet O’Hara when Rhett Butler is leaving her in Gone With The Wind,” insists Davis Monroe III, a fellow of the Splendid Isolation Foundation, a think-tank based in Washington, DC. “She begs: ‘Where shall I go, what shall I do?’ And Rhett Butler replies: ‘Frankly, my dear, I don’t give…