FROM BUTLER, PENNSYLVANIA A WITNESS TO the shooting of Donald Trump says he saw the assassin climbing on to the roof and pointed it out to security who were very slow to react to the information. “Hell, he had enough time to eat a Big Mac up there before he fired,” said Brutus Casca III…

MOSCOW IN SPITE OF UKRAINIAN scorn and denials, Russians are already pointing the finger at Kyiv for the assassination attempt on Donald Trump. “This one we didn’t do,” said Yuri Gulagovich Chernoblsky, a nightclub owner in Moscow. “Know how I know? No Polonium involved. No, this has Ukraine’s fingers on the trigger. While he’s our…

WIRE SERVICES US PRESIDENT JOE Biden did not condemn the shooting of President Ronald Reagan after hearing of the attempt on Donald Trump’s life, say close aides. “We were talking in general about assassination attempts over the years, that’s all. The President remembered Ronald Reagan’s survival and John Kennedy’s death. Random seconds determine history. Remember…

FROM SANS FEELAN SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA DEMOCRATS ACROSS THE United States are said to be terrified that post-shooting television interviews with Trump supporters after the attempt to assassinate him, will give a misleading impression that his fan base is quite ordinary America and not a foaming at the mouth Neo-Nazi, Fascist lunatic fringe. “I mean,…

PENNSYLVANIA 65000 HOLLYWOOD MOGULS ARE said to be already bidding on a script treatment about the attempted assassination of Donald Trump. Provisionally titled The Day of the Heckler (& Koch), it will, we understand, have a love angle to satisfy female demands. The only star not being mentioned for the role of The Donald, is…

BY BURKA MCDAITHI, OUR CONSPIRACIES EDITOR EMERITUS THE CLAIM THAT there was a second gunman involved in the attempted assassination of Donald Trump has the former President’s supporters shouting conspiracy to the four corners of America. Secret Service agents killed one man said to be involved in the murder attempt but witnesses are now saying…

BY OUR ASSASINS EDITOR HARVEY LEE WALDOS THE SHOOTER WHO shot Donald Trump and killed at least one member of his audience in Pennsylvania, has be neutralized by the US Secret Service, and cannot now say anything about the incident.

PENNSYLVANIA 65000 US PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL Donald Trump was said to be fuming after a failed assassination attempt left him with a bloody ear and a messed hair. The Donald, as he is known, is said to be more concerned about his hair than the near miss of the lethal projectiles. “Blood he can spare,” said…

WIRE SERVICES CELEBRITY ATHEISM IS now so popular in England that it has more adherents than there are Anglican church-goers. “It has become the fastest growing religion in the UK, ahead of Jedi Knights, Wokeism, and, of course, Scientology,” says Theologian John D. Baptist, whose seminal work Who Needs God When We Have Celebrity? has…

FROM OUR WASHINGTON EDITOR EMERITUS SANS FEELAN US PRESIDENT JOE Biden’s continuing failure to properly name people he is referring to in speeches is part of a concerted plan to utterly confuse America’s enemies, say close aides. “Calling Vice President Harris “Vice Preside Trump” and President Zelensky President Putin may seem at first to be…