SCIENTISTS AND SPACE EDITOR A NUCLEAR WARHEAD, said to have been made with plutonium stolen by German agents and then fired at Russian troop concentrations in Germany, has turned up on Mars, according to secret Pentagon files found in a fast food restaurant rest room last week. A NASA rover, exploring the red planet, is…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY MUCH OF THE REFUGEE flow out of Ukraine has been caused, not by fear of Russia, but by the inflow of NATO personnel into the country, says independent conflict monitoring service The Call of Booty. “The arrival of huge numbers of advisers, spies, engineers, propaganda hacks, gun-runners and the like, has driven rents…

EDUCATION REPORTERS AND GENDER EDITOR “WOULD THAT EVEN SCAN?” Olivier Burton Truffaut, who teaches English Literature at a French University, says that two of his ancestors were killed at The Battle of Agincourt: “Murdered after they were taken prisoner, by Les Anglais on the orders of Henri Cinq.” But still he is horrified at a…

FINANCE DESK STORIES OF UK banks refusing accounts to people whose opinions are deemed objectionable, have led to a proposal that such woke institutions be relabeled “Wanks” as a warning to people who might find service refused or accounts closed. “The public has a right to know which financial institutions are driven by woke values…

FROM OUR EQUALITY CORRESPONDENT GUY SANS BOULES A TOP SECRET plan to deliver all power on Earth into the hands of women has had to be deferred because the women involved all had hair and nail appointments. “Naturally, this is an unfortunate interruption of what we felt was an utterly sublime moment in human history,”…

FROM OUR CORRESPONDENT IN NIGER (IT’S IN AFRICA!!) PLUKY BRITS caught in the Niger coup chaos, having been told by their own Government just to stay indoors, are now hearing that French soldiers evacuating European citizens, have been told not to take any Britons who voted for Brexit. “And we have to answer their questions…

BY L.Y. ENGYTT, MEDIA EDITOR “WHEN MEN CHOOSE not to believe in God, they do not thereafter believe in nothing. They then become capable of believing in anything.” Belgian author Emile Cammaerts’ words must be following Sinead O’Connor to wherever she is now. Because even for someone who played the Virgin Mary at one time,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY ANY CHINESE ATTACK on Taiwan will be probably be preceded by a huge surge of cat videos on YouTube and other sites, according to the CIA. In a leaked briefing paper for President Joe Biden -a copy of the paper was found on a Washington street stuck to a small bag of cocaine…

ENTERTAINMENT DESK “IF THAT YOUNG woman becomes any more famous, it could tip us into a repeat of 1929.” That young woman is Taylor Swift, and Nobel Prize runner-up economist Professor John Milton Keynes says her latest series of concerts are putting huge pressure on world interest rates. “The concentrated spending that each release of…

FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT, EL ZORO “THIS IS A joke, no? Take back California? Are you completely loco? No fucking way. Apologies for the undiplomatic language. California is a very unpleasant topic. Basket-case, isn’t that what you say?” The Mexican Government official who spoke these words was reading a secret protocol to the Treaty of…