SCIENCE DESK

AN INTERNATIONAL committee established to inquire into declining birth rates across the world has reported that human beings are losing their looks.

Thirty years of research across millions of individuals, using computers and facial recognition technology came to the conclusion that human females in particular are less glamorous than their ancestors.

“Men have always been problematic,” says Irma Zuckerspece, an Epigenetics expert from Austria. “But a plain man can always find a mate if he really wants to. Money and status are as important for men as looks. Three words: Anna Nicole Smith.

“That said, in general, our species relies upon females attracting males. With Mallard Ducks and Peacocks, it’s the opposite. But with us humans it’s the chicks who have to be attractive. And it appears they just ain’t cutting it.

“We were curious as to why fertility rates have dropped so profoundly since the mid-1970s. At first we thought it was economic, then social, then maybe political. But we could not find a trigger that stood out.

“Then one of our computers suddenly remarked one day on how “ugly” (Its word) the women were that we were asking it to process. At first we thought it was a joke, an input by some disgruntled man who had been unlucky in love. But no, we found that the machine was right. On all objective criteria, modern women are just not as attractive as their mothers, who were not as attractive as their mothers; who were not as attractive as their mothers.

“Which is amazing given the amount of money that goes into the beauty industry.

“Our findings were dynamite. And scary. Because if this was true then the future of the human race is bleak. Forget nuclear war and climate change, if this is true and the decline continues, there won’t be anyone on the planet in a few hundred years. We had to find out why.

“So we began inputting everything we knew about the story of women from the 1970s onwards, and we found that the explanation was relatively simple but very uncomfortable: since the 1970s, in pursuit of equality, women have had to be more and more like men. Noble in it’s objective, yes, it has had the unintended consequence of making women look and act more and more like men. Thus making them less attractive to many of the men around them and in particular those men with whom they might mate and produce children.

“Women today dress like more like men, talk more like men, act more like men than ever before. Fine for the equality agenda, terrible for the mating game.

“On top of this is the extraordinary influence of social media on the female form. The rise of the plastic barbie doll image, a sort of asexual mannequin, has destroyed all that was natural in women’s bodies. Artificial sameness has taken over. Rather like it has with cars. Decades ago, before they were designed by computers, cars all had an individuality. Today, they all look the same. So it is with female bodies basically designed by algorithms.

“If I were watching humans from a concealed hide, I would be fascinated and concerned at the same time for my specimens.

“Of course, while women have been finding their inner man, men have been forced by political and social change to become more feminine. Which puts the girls off many of them, thus doubling the problem. More and more men are fine for a heart to heart, a chai latte and a Tupperware party but less and less sexually attractive to girls. Ugly, as the computer says.

“It’s the same in Asia and South America. Africa and India still have their looks. But it’s only a matter of time before they begin to fade too.

“All this could account for the exponential growth in LGBTQIA+ people in recent decades. A safe haven, if you like.

“If I’m asked what the solution is, frankly I don’t know. I’m terrified to be discussing it. At least I know why I can’t get a husband. That’s something. But I find myself looking in the mirror too often asking who is the fairest of them all. Sad.”