PERSIAN GULF

AS THE WAR with Iran drags on, and American aircraft carriers and other vessels are forced to remain on post off the Arabian Peninsula and the Islamic Republic, dwindling supplies, particularly of food and water, may see US sailors having to eat one another and drink fresh water drawn from their own urine if the Trump administration is to keep its military presence in the area.

“We don’t plan on killing individuals – for now, anyway,” said a Pentagon source who did not want to be named. “We figure that the way things are going, natural death will provide the first opportunities for cannibalism. Of course, if this struggle continues on and on, and on, and food and on board our ships does just run out, we may have to have a call for volunteers to provide their flesh to their comrades. There’ll be significant payments to families and a certain Medal of Honor, and maybe season tickets to key ball games for relatives, for those who make the supreme sacrifice. If that proves to be insufficient, then we’ll have to hold lotteries, that kind of thing. And after that, it’ll be for ships captains to select victims however they see fit. I think as long as we apply appropriate DEI rules, no one can honestly object. In fact, I believe that water from piss will receive more push-back than eating friends and colleagues. There’s something essentially spiritual about cannibalism, don’t you think?”