DUBLIN

SO THE SECRET is out. For centuries the Irish have hidden behind a veneer of smiles and welcomes and all that malarkey, until now. In his own inimitable way, US President Donald Trump has has pulled the mask off his island hosts and revealed them for the “vicious bastards” they are.

He made the comment while on a golfing trip, disguised as a sort of state visit, to Ireland, adding in that he would like to see a United Ireland, perhaps to encourage the sudden emergence of visible evidence of his initial claim.

“It’s a secret so well kept that even the Irish aren’t fully aware of it,” says journalist Rintin Foole, whose latest work exposing the Irish for what they are, Fooled Again, is in book shops and on Amazon. “It’s actually a specific breach of our Official Secrets Act to reveal this vicious bastards truth, and anyone challenged with it, will invariably deny it and give you a big grin and back slap and some platitudinous drivel before changing the subject. In fact, I am going to have to deny it now, for legal reasons, though I have to admit that for once in his life, Mr Trump has really hit the nail on the head. Of course, he was referring to doing business with the Irish but you can take it that his experience is pretty universal when dealing with the duplicitous inhabitants of this island we all share. The real question is: were we always vicious bastards or has our experience made us so? I think it should be a question in school exams.”