DOONBEG

UNITED STATES DIPLOMATS are strongly denying that their President, Donald Trump, departed Ireland after two days there, singing a contentious Irish rebel chant as his plane left the ground.

Christened “Clare Force One” because of the President’s golf course in County Clare, people who watched his plane’s take off were convinced they could hear “Ooh Aah Up The Ra” on the westerly breezes around them. The chant, made popular by singing group The Wolfe Tones, is often interpreted as an expression of support for top United Ireland advocates, the Irish Republican Army, though it is now commonly heard at festivals and sports events, church fetes, funerals and christenings.

The American President created some genuine fuss on his recent Irish trip – mostly in London and among certain elements of Dublin political society who find the subject disturbing – by saying he, personally, would like to see a United Ireland and that he felt it was the way things were headed.

“Look, the President presented the Irish Golf Open Trophy to Shane Lowry, lifted tariffs on Irish whiskey, and wondered why the Irish Prime Minister never stopped smiling the whole time he was there,” said a spokesman. “Actually, he secretly wondered if your Mr Martin – isn’t that the Prime Minister’s name? – used Botox or had had a face lift. Or perhaps had had a small stroke that he wasn’t aware of. The permanent simpering grin he maintains is frankly unsettling and not a little creepy. Anyway, that was all Mr Trump did, apart from meeting the elderly woman in that nice big house, the one who talked peace and ceasefires and gave him all that poetry. I’m sure he’ll read it. Some time. When he’s nothing better to do. Didn’t he say the Irish were vicious bastards to deal with? I think he was probably referring to all that poetry you guys produce.”