PORTADOWN

THEIR MARCH IS now legal. Anyone blocking it risks being in breach of the law. The Police Service of Northern Ireland will be obliged to make sure the march goes through, unscathed. So the scene is set on Garvaghy Road, Portadown, for 35 very brave Orange Men, all Protestants, supported by a predominantly Protestant Police Force, forcing the will of the Orange Order, a supremely Protestant and anti-Catholic organisation, upon a small population of Catholics, who do not want them there, who see the march as a demonstration of sectarian supremacy and control, and who have protested against any such march on their road for decades. What could possibly go wrong?

“Ah, sure, how’s about you, it’ll all work out fine,” says Carson Paisley-Wright, who has been shouting for the right to march since the 1990s. “The Peelers will make sure the *Taigs know their place. The Taigs will part before us like the Red Sea before Moses. God will be in his Heaven and our ancient right of conquest will be back in play. The Union Forever!”

The Police Service of Northern Ireland has suggested a compromise.

“Perhaps the Orange Men might slip on Armagh Gaelic Football shirts – the old Johnny Adair trick – and amble separately down Garvaghy Road like they’re ordinary pedestrians off to Sunday football,” said a spokeswoman. “I mean there’s only going to be 35 of them, for God’s sake – and who is going to notice 35 extra fellas walking down Garvaghy Road early on the Sabbath if they’re not making themselves visible? They’ll have to take off the bowler hats and the sashes, of course.”

*Derogatory name for Catholic – ED