LONDON PLUCKY BRITISH *BOFFINS have given their country a slim advantage over enemies by inventing a butter-like spread that can double as an explosive. “It’s a master stroke,” explained Professor Byrnes Wally, a scientist who specializes in detonating ordinary daily objects. “You can spread this stuff on your toast and consume it without fear. In…

LA LA LAND CORRESPONDENTS AND WIRE SERVICES HAVING BEEN TOLD that his original tariffs were illegal, President Donald Trump has decided to show the world who’s boss in America by imposing higher import taxes, which businesses may either refuse to pay or later demand back with interest. “These Trump tariffs are fast turning into shake-downs,…

WASHINGTON, DC AMERICA IS ANOTHER day older and deeper in debt, it appears, after the US Supreme Court shot down many of President Donald Trump’s trade tariffs. “I’d say those who paid the tariffs up to now, Americans all, are getting ready to line up outside the White House or the Treasury, or wherever, to…

LONDON THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT may reintroduce trial by ordeal if Andrew Mountbatten Windsor ever finds himself before a court following his arrest by police, according to a well-known academic. “This would permit the former prince to defend himself in combat,” says historian Professor Dan Starkrayve, who has argued for a reintroduction of medieval legal practices…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE HAS and evil twin, Artificial Stupidity, and it is threatening to wreck the technology advances made in the last fifty years. “It’s really quite frightening,” explained computer guru Dr Mike Rochyp, whose company Intelligent Artifice produces Artificial Intelligence programs for the US Government. “We’re starting to see smart AI suddenly dumbing…

DARWIN, NORTHERN TERRITORY A TEAM OF archaeologists working in the hot centre of Australia, has discovered what is being described as an ancient thong which, when kicked from the foot, immediately begins to spin, and after about a hundred metres returns to its owner. The footwear, made of gum bark and vines, appears to have…

FROM HOLLYWOOD THE BUZZ AROUND Hollywood suggests that First Lady Melania Trump’s documentary, imaginatively titled Melania, is in the running for at least one Oscar, in the special effects category. “Yeah, the scuttlebutt is that she’s a shoe-in for something along that line,” says Walter Xtre, whose talent agency specializes in effects. “Did you see…

BY SUNDRI CHYMP, FROM SOMEWHERE IN AFRICA A NEW PAPER on ape vocabulary says that some primates in central Africa appear to be using the word Trump as an insult between them. “It’s extraordinary, and we had to check it multiple times,” explained Dr Roddy Simian of the Doolittle Foundation, who authored the paper. “At…

WIRE SERVICES RECENT DENSE SNOWFALLS which have caused chaos in New York City have been labelled a clear case of white privilege by defenders of newly elected Mayor Zohran Mamdani. “Snow is clearly the whitest of white privilege. Associated with ski resorts and Santa Claus and all that kind of white supremacy,” said a freshly…

FROM GREKO LUNDYDERRY IN A REMARKABLY frank declaration, once ultra-unionist Democratic Unionist politician Gregory Campbell appears to have swerved from the party line when he told Irish President Catherine O’Connell, on a visit to Derry, that, “you’re in our country”. Stunned, it seems, at being reminded she was indeed in Ireland, President O’Connell retorted with…