FROM BELFAST “THEY VOTED PARTITION IN, they enforced it, they have always secretly supported it. Northern Ireland is their victory. So they should cough up for the damn stone.” So say Sinn Fein supporters, who insist that Irish Government party Fine Gael, whose predecessors founded the 26-county Irish Free State in 1922, leaving the six…

MOON BASE ALPHA “THE WAR HAS moved into space. The last open flank. And this was the first shot.” The chilling words of an American soldier, part of a secret space program, are the first in a terse explanation of how NATO has built a secret moon base, and now sources weapons from alien cultures…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY AN ARCHAEOLOGIST WHO specializes in Hittite studies says that Republican front runner Donald Trump shares his name (if spelled backwards) with an ancient demon so evil that only the dead were permitted to speak its name. “Pmurt (actually pronounced Murt as the P is silent in ancient Hittite) Dlanod (Again, this would be…

(KRILL HEAVE HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF) BY JACK KOOSTOW, MARINE REPORTER “JUST MAKE IT CLEAN.” That was the last request of a whale who has apparently made an informed choice to sacrifice himself for the greater good of the planet. According to Dr Oliver Meanspout, a biologist who has spent his life deciphering whale song,…

FROM CORLEONE, SICILY “YOU HAVE TO ANSWER FOR SANTINO, CARLO!” The cold words of Michael Corleone to his traitorous brother-in-law at the end of The Godfather are perhaps the most chilling in the whole movie. He kept Carlo Rizzi so close to him, buttering his ego, all the time knowing what he was going to…

FROM RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA THE OFFER IS said to be in the high mega trillions; and the prize is … London! And insider whispers say that Rishi Sunak’s Government is giving really serious thought to selling the UK’s capital city to Saudi Arabia. Sir Archibald Pumpkin-Ratarse of the right-wing Make Us Great Society is certainly…

BANDWAGON DESK FURIOUS MATILDA FANS are sure where the blame for the team’s poor showing against England and then Sweden lies – Prime Minister Anthony Albanese! “The minute he stuck his nose into the Women”s World Cup, the campaign started to go pear-shaped,” said a commentator who does not wish to be named. “Everything that…

FROM THE MAHOGANY GASPIPE SUMMER SCHOOL, WILD WEST COAST OF IRELAND “IT’S NOT REALLY THE QUALITY, it’s the quantity,” explained Christy Penile-Implant of Save Us From Irish Poetry, a human rights group founded to support people whose lives have been destroyed by Celtic verse. “No other country on earth has so many fucking poets bombarding…

SCIENCE DESK WOMEN WHO CONSTANTLY look at their rear ends in the mirror may be on to something, says Dr Verity Frekcles a body image specialist who has studied the subject for the past forty years. “Women’s bottoms reached optimum size around the 1950s and early 1960s,” she insists. “Then the mini-skirt changed everything. Before…

MARINE MYSTERIES DESK THE SHIP THAT keeps on sinking may have sunk because vast amounts of water got inside her. This is the controversial new theory of marine archaeologist Ulcerous Fin, whose great grandfather was captain of one of the ships that failed to come to the doomed liner’s rescue on the night it went…