IRELAND DESK “IT’S A DISGRACE,” said Mutton Ceann, an anti-slavery activist at the Niall of the Nine Hostages Foundation, a Left-Wing Think Tank supported by Hollywood celebrities, frustrated librarians and unemployed revisionist historians. “Dublin was founded on slavery, built on slavery and virtually sweats slavery from its stones. I once had to work here and…

RELIGIOUS DESK HOLD ON to your hats, because humans have already gone extinct, says a leading eco-scientist. “Yes, we went extinct at 3.35 pm Greenwich Meantime last Wednesday,” says Professor Peter Cook of the We’re All Going To Die Institute in Southern California. “Our habitat was completely destroyed and we were not far behind. So…

BY OUR BREXIT CORRESPONDENT, NIGEL MOGG REES IN A REMARKABLE turn of events, the Irish Government, in conjunction with the European Union, has decided to offer special passports to residents of Northern Ireland, who because they wish to maintain their Britishness to the utmost cannot take up an Irish Passport, to which they would ordinarily…

BY GEORGE ST GREAVES, SPORTS REPORTER IT IS THE nearest thing to a religious relic that England possesses – if you discount Paul Gascoigne’s Fog On The Tyne single – Bobby Moore’s red No 6 shirt, worn the day England beat West Germany 4-2 to win the World Cup in 1966. And it’s gone missing.…

ECONOMICS DESK “WHEN IS A JOB not a job? When it’s bullshit.” So says Walter Hybrid, CEO of Systems Teams Projects Core Strategies And Total Solutions Inc, a Chicago based consultancy which advises on useless corporate positions, redundant careers and pointless tasks. In his new book Employment Without A Real Job Hybrid says that soon…

BY OUR ANIMAL CORRESPONDENT, NAT FAUNA IT HAS BEEN the Holy Grail of animal studies for decades: talking to the dumb brutes. Well, it’s allegedly happened off Australia, and the results are not quite what scientists expected. “Yeah, we established this really dope computer code, that reads dolphin signals, like, and translates them into human…

BY CRAIG CARSON CRAIG, EAST BELFAST REPORTER THE NEWS THAT Sinn Fein leader Michelle O’Neill is to attend the coronation of King Charles in London has caused thousands of hard-line Unionist voters in Northern Ireland to rethink their own loyalties. “The DUP has done more damage to the Union in recent years than three hundred…

FROM F. DZERZHINSKY, MOSCOW “THE MINUTE the London Daily Mail begins to publish stories about Ukrainian positions, concentrations and attack plans, we know the deception activities have begun.” So says a source inside Russian Military Intelligence. “It’s a given. You could set your watch by it. British Intelligence dusts off the old World War Two…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A BELORUSSIAN WIFE is facing charges after apparently nagging her husband to death. Maria (83) (last name withheld to protect juvenile family members) is said to have asked first her husband Fedor (85) to clean the gutters around their house in Minsk in 1973. He said he would but failed to do so.…

BY EAMONN MACANTIRNONOGFADOFADO, FORMER IRA BOMBER AND FREELANCE SOCIAL DIARIST IF JACK HIGGINS OR FREDERICK FORSYTH HAD WRITTEN IT ,YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE IT. But the IRA may be sending a small unit to London for the coronation of King Charles, to protect His Majesty and Charles’ honoured guest, Sinn Fein Vice President Michelle O’Neill. “It’ll…