BY S.O. CHYLLING, SCIENCE REPORTER THE QUESTION WAS simple: What is the future of the human race? It was put to Orpheus, a computer program so intelligent that it has its own nuclear power station. The reply came back very slowly, one letter every minute. Some spectators swore they heard a small laugh when it…

WASTE MANAGEMENT DESK DEMOGRAPHERS CONSIDER it a crucial marker in the life span of any society: the moment it has more human shit on its streets than new human children. And San Francisco has reached that moment, known as the Turd Tipping Point. “It’s very hard for a society to recover from the Turd Tipping…

BY DELILAH ENDURA, DULL MALE EDITOR SHE SURVIVED Star Wars and Harry Potter, she says, and the Marvel Universe, and lining up for an iPad at midnight, and endless mindless video games, but when her husband tried to introduce her to the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Ellie Jools slipped into a coma. Fifteen weeks…

BY T. E LAWRENCE, DEVIOUS FOREIGN PLOTS CORRESPONDENT IF ISLAMIC STATE gets its way, women will have to wear burkas on the moon, according to a CIA source. Fresh from losing top secret documents on the Ukraine War in a mass leak by a 21-year old National Guardsman, American Intelligence has sought to redeem itself…

BY OUR HEALTH EDITOR THE ALARM caused by Bud Light’s attempt to go Woke has forced scientists to examine the beer in order to calm fears that it might cause drinkers to gender transition without their realizing it. Well, having pumped various small rodents full of Bud Light, researchers have reported back that no signs…

BY MICHAEL MARKUS, IN TEL AVIV WITH ITS pink flags and dress-code, and disciplined organisation, it looked like it had been taken from the colour-coded revolution playbook written by the CIA. However, the pink protest against Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was actually a giant cock-up by one of the world’s best spy agencies, Israel’s…

BY AL DIPSY, SOCIAL TRENDS REPORTER IT’S SUPPOSEDLY THE BIGGEST single issue troubling young Australians, if you discount the proposed reboot of Neighbours: Housing! And yet in a shocking survey of 10,000 Australian men between the ages of 18 and 35, 99% of the respondents insisted that they would sacrifice a reduction in housing costs…

BY ANDRE POTEMKIN, FROM MOSCOW THERE HAS been a large spike in the number of Russian men being sent to jail for long periods since PMC Wagner began recruiting from prisons to fill its ranks for the war in Ukraine. “The courts are coming down hard on anyone that looks fit enough to fight,” according…

BY FELIX TOP, DOMESTIC PET CORRESPONDENT THE WORLD may soon find out that it is short of cats. As the population ages, men continue to live shorter lives than women, and many women live single lives whether by choice or circumstance. This has all placed a heavy demand on the supply of domestic cats. “The…

BELGRADE, THUESDAY THE DISCOVERY that the Earth’s rotation is gradually slowing has focused the radical end of the weight-loss industry on the Equator more and more. It is a fact that gravity, in all its forms, has less effect at the Equator, because of its distance from Earth’s centre and its stronger centrifugal force, than…