BY MICHAEL ROCKEFELLER, HEADHUNTER EDITOR THEY CALL HIM “The Great Porky” in their language, and they worship him. He is Boris Johnson, and they are a small tribe of headhunters resident on an island in the South Pacific. “They also refer to him as The Lord Of The Lies, a titled garnered from news reports,…

BY MAGDA MAPLETHORPE, ENTERTAINMENT DESK SPIELBERG TO DIRECT? HOLLYWOOD IS BUZZING with rumours that Tom Cruise will take the lead in a new epic about the Ukraine War. Provisionally titled I Need Ammo Not a Ride after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s famous reply to an offer to fly him to safety following the Russian invasion…

BY MADAME DEFARGE, BREXIT CORRESPONDENT, IN LONDON, ENGLAND A CURIOUS BY-PRODUCT of the recent release of top secret American documents was a short report from the National Security Agency about the growing use of the word “Brexit” for the word “shit” around the world. It appears that the report was a distillation of intercepted phone…

BY FLETCHER PITCAIRN BLIGH, PHILOSOPHY DESK IT USED TO be that Ashkenazi Jews were, as a group, the most intelligent humans on the planet. Well not any more. Because Australian Larrikins have passed them out. In a remarkable turn of events, the Aussie Larrikin now has the highest mean IQ in the world. “It’s a…

BY AUDREY SPACEFILTER, QUANTUM MECHANICS EDITOR STAR RTE CORRESPONDENT SEAN WHELAN, who reports from Washington for his network, appears to have achieved a world first. The journalist, whose smooth honeyed tones are said to attract women and insects in equal number, is in Ireland covering the triumphant tour of American President Joe Biden. However, RTE’s…

BY SANDY SHANKHILL FROM BELFAST THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT received the traditional welcome when he stepped off Air Force One at Belfast Airport. “And I’m outta here tomorrow?” he was heard asking an aide. Unionists complained that the American President had an easier time getting to Belfast than food products from England. “He is an agent…

BY OUR MEDIA EDITOR AS THE BATTLE for Bakhmut nears its climax, it has been revealed that Ukrainian forces defending the city have been using soundtracks of BBC Correspondent Orla Guerin’s reports from the war-torn country, and similar places, in a furious attempt to stem the Russian tide. “Yeah, a couple of our guys were…

BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BRINGING EXPENSIVE EASTER EGG GIFT FOR US PRESIDENT STOPPED AT CUSTOMS, AS EGG WOULD CONTINUE ON INTO EUROPEAN UNION TERRITORY WITH BIDEN, IN BREACH OF PROTOCOL. BY OUR TROUBLES CORRESPONDENT, NAPPER TANDY THEY HAD egg all over their faces. Lots of it! They were the British Prime Minister and his entourage, who…

BY ZELDA SCOTT HEMINGWAY, EDITOR IN DESPAIR ONCE UPON a time it was cars, then technology; now it’s plain despair. And not any old despair, hardcore kick ’em in the nuts male despair. And it’s shot to the top of the industry charts, and off, in the U.S of A. When everything else is slowing,…

BY OUR CONSPIRACY EDITOR J.F. KENNEDY THE DEATH OF the man said to be Irish Republican Army informer Stakeknife (or Stake Knife) (or Steaknife) (or Steak Knife) has caused chaos in the conspiracy world. Freddie Scappaticci, said to be the IRA’s head of internal security for much of the 1980s, was outed two decades ago…